Foley Artist

Right now at this moment, my dream job is to be a Foley Artist.

The sounds of walking on glass? Say no more. (Photo: Shutterstock)

Job

I create everyday sounds for films that they couldn’t do on set (for some reason). I have everything at my disposal, like sand, different types of shoes, and an unlimited supply of cabasa melons (Psycho (1960) stabbing sound obviously). I get to experiment with crazy stuff to get the perfect sound. 

Cabasa melons as far as the eye can see. (Photo: seedsneeds.com)

Location

I work in a studio off the coast of Australia. I am within walking distance to a secret (that doesn’t turn you Old (2021)) beach where I go on my lunch breaks. The studio is state of the art with no windows so I don’t get sad that I’m inside making noises. 

A hidden beach just for me. (Photo: nyfa.com)

Salary

I am paid $10,000 weekly for my silly little sounds. I have full benefits like unlimited and required PTO as well as red carpet tickets for any film I want. 

Work Week

I am in the office on Tuesdays-Thursdays (because Monday is a bummer). I have Summer Fridays which means that I never work on Fridays and instead hang on the beach and go coral reef snorkeling. 

Garfield and I boycott Mondays and you have to respect that. (Photo: BoldManners)

Coworkers

My coworkers are funny but never funnier than me. They always have good ideas and love collaborating and complimenting. 

We pin curl our hair because we want to, not because we have to. (Photo: BBC)

Boss

My boss is the owner of the foley company. They recognize that I am the best at what I do so they are hands-off but there if a customer needs to yell at someone. 

Growth

After two years of foley work, I am eligible for a promotion, aka retirement. I can gracefully bow out at any point after my two years with a full pension and continued weekly salary. Sometimes I am asked to speak on panels about movie magic. 

Epilogue

I make a silly TikTok and go so viral that there’s a petition to change the name from Foley Artist to Verde Artist. While flattered, I do not sign the petition.